The X Factor 2014: The 14 best quotes from episode one

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The X Factor is back with a bang - and as you might expect, among all the genuinely good singers there's more hilarious hopefuls than you can shake a stick at.

These included the likes of Shayden Willis, who refused to take no for an answer, playing several of his own original songs - with Cheryl Cole, Louis Walsh and Mel B all walking off to leave Simon Cowell on his own.

Angelina Robinson's mum treated the judges to a Chinese food feast fit for, well, Simon - before Carol Trefarthen made jaws drop by taking some of her clothes off as she performed.

Of course, this all resulted in some fantastic quotes - and here are some our favourites from episode one.


Simon: "And so, to our mission, a job so important I had to come home."
Cheryl: "I had to come back."
Mel: "I had to join."
Louis: "And why I will never leave."

— Best opening to any series of a reality show ever.


"There are two places we haven't sung in, a helicopter and a submarine. That's simply because I've never been in a helicopter and I've never been on a submarine."

— Pretty sure you've not been on the X Factor stage yet, Jazzy from Blonde Electric

Blonde Electric


"It's like you've been invented by Louis in a computer to create the most irritating girl group in the world."

Simon sums up Blonde Electric's performance


"I'm gonna get 50 guitars, I'm gonna get dynamite and I'm gonna blow them up."

Simon's sick of young male guitarists


"Is it Cheryl or Cherry?"

— While the rest of the world's struggling to learn how to pronounce Fernandez-Versini, one person in the X Factor waiting room still hasn't got her head around 'Cheryl'


"I really love life. I love animals, and I love Cheryl Cole."

— These are a few of Ben Quinlan's favourite things


"It's not for you Louis, that's for Cheryl. Your two have gone."

Simon clocks a group of screaming Cheryl fans in a venue car park


"What am I, chopped liver?"

Mel B's jealous of the attention Cheryl's getting


Shayden: "Are you telling me that Elton John is known for his voice alone or the whole package?"
Simon: "Both. You've got neither."

— Shayden still didn't get the message


"Why are you singing me that song? Why are you singing to me I wanna be your lover? I don't want that."

— Simon puts those gay rumours to bed once and for all as Shayden serenades him


"Do you have any sweet and sour chicken? Spare ribs? What about prawn crackers? I should have ordered beforehand."

— Unfortunately Angelina's mum didn't provide Simon with a menu

Chloe Jasmine


"What I do for fun? Just normal things, polo, croquet."

Chloe Jasmine reminds us she's posh


"If I did end up performing at Wembley arena, that'd be an amazing thing to throw around at dinner parties. Oh darling, did you know last weekend I sang in front of 5,000 people at Wembley arena? Yah."

Chloe prepares herself for her inevitable appearance on Celebrity Come Dine With Me


"I can't really put a number on that. Could you dignify a baby's cry as being an aria?"

— We've got a feeling there's going to be a truckload more of iconic quotes from Chloe in the coming weeks

The X Factor continues with its second auditions episode tomorrow at 8.00pm on ITV.