The X Factor 2014: The 14 best quotes from episode one

simon cowell guitar 2

The X Factor is back with a bang - and as you might expect, among all the genuinely good singers there's more hilarious hopefuls than you can shake a stick at.

These included the likes of Shayden Willis, who refused to take no for an answer, playing several of his own original songs - with Cheryl Cole, Louis Walsh and Mel B all walking off to leave Simon Cowell on his own.

Angelina Robinson's mum treated the judges to a Chinese food feast fit for, well, Simon - before Carol Trefarthen made jaws drop by taking some of her clothes off as she performed.

Of course, this all resulted in some fantastic quotes - and here are some our favourites from episode one.

#1

Simon: "And so, to our mission, a job so important I had to come home."
Cheryl: "I had to come back."
Mel: "I had to join."
Louis: "And why I will never leave."

— Best opening to any series of a reality show ever.

#2

"There are two places we haven't sung in, a helicopter and a submarine. That's simply because I've never been in a helicopter and I've never been on a submarine."

— Pretty sure you've not been on the X Factor stage yet, Jazzy from Blonde Electric

Blonde Electric

#3

"It's like you've been invented by Louis in a computer to create the most irritating girl group in the world."

Simon sums up Blonde Electric's performance

#4

"I'm gonna get 50 guitars, I'm gonna get dynamite and I'm gonna blow them up."

Simon's sick of young male guitarists

#5

"Is it Cheryl or Cherry?"

— While the rest of the world's struggling to learn how to pronounce Fernandez-Versini, one person in the X Factor waiting room still hasn't got her head around 'Cheryl'

#6

"I really love life. I love animals, and I love Cheryl Cole."

— These are a few of Ben Quinlan's favourite things

#7

"It's not for you Louis, that's for Cheryl. Your two have gone."

Simon clocks a group of screaming Cheryl fans in a venue car park

#8

"What am I, chopped liver?"

Mel B's jealous of the attention Cheryl's getting

#9

Shayden: "Are you telling me that Elton John is known for his voice alone or the whole package?"
Simon: "Both. You've got neither."

— Shayden still didn't get the message

#10

"Why are you singing me that song? Why are you singing to me I wanna be your lover? I don't want that."

— Simon puts those gay rumours to bed once and for all as Shayden serenades him

#11

"Do you have any sweet and sour chicken? Spare ribs? What about prawn crackers? I should have ordered beforehand."

— Unfortunately Angelina's mum didn't provide Simon with a menu

Chloe Jasmine

#12

"What I do for fun? Just normal things, polo, croquet."

Chloe Jasmine reminds us she's posh

#13

"If I did end up performing at Wembley arena, that'd be an amazing thing to throw around at dinner parties. Oh darling, did you know last weekend I sang in front of 5,000 people at Wembley arena? Yah."

Chloe prepares herself for her inevitable appearance on Celebrity Come Dine With Me

#14

"I can't really put a number on that. Could you dignify a baby's cry as being an aria?"

— We've got a feeling there's going to be a truckload more of iconic quotes from Chloe in the coming weeks

The X Factor continues with its second auditions episode tomorrow at 8.00pm on ITV.

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