Writing in her weekly newspaper column, the former Big Brother winner took aim at the pair following their first week of antics in the house.
"This lad looks like he’s had far too much spending money and not enough guidance," Helen said about Marco.
She wrote: "I’d have loved to share a house with this twonk, I’d be in my element winding him up.
"Humouring him then knocking him down a peg or two when he behaves like a complete d*** – which, let's face it, is most of the time."
Helen went on: "BB need to make a new Big Bellend Award – I think this guy would be a clear winner and we are only a week in.
"The sad thing is some girls go for lads like him these days… enter Laura Carter."
Branding Laura "desperate", Helen continued in her piece for the Daily Star: "After Fridays live ‘eviction’ and hearing the crowd reaction, self-absorbed Laura told Marco she wants to leave it because she thinks the public won’t like her (too late).
"24 hours later she has her knickers around her ankles. Couldn’t see that one coming."
As for the other housemates, Helen reckons Lateysha Grace is a "potential psycho" but praised Georgina Leigh Cantwell for being "a genuine girl" and "decent lad" Alex Cannon.
See, Helen can be nice sometimes!
Big Brother continues nightly on Channel 5.